Garden
by 25.Angry.Mangoes
Summary: One friend reminiscing over another. Norway X Denmark Warning: Contains touchy subjects.


I've always hated change.  
But not just little things that might affect a person for a couple days at most; I've hated significant change.  
The kind that stops your world in its tracks, turning your entire life upside down. Its cliche, I know, but I've always been against that kind of change.  
Because no matter what happens to you, the world as a whole moves on, unaware of your grief, of your struggles. The world never knows what happens to its people; it continues no matter what.  
I hate that about change.

I'm currently walking through my backyard, gazing at the plethora of plants that surround me. My backyard is bigger than my house, and the entirety of it has been turned into a garden. When I was younger, my mom always had a garden that she kept as one of her top priorities. It was gorgeous, and I spent much of my childhood walking along its aisles, learning everything I could about the various plants and flowers they held. I guess her love for them was passed on to me- I loved looking and learning about them back then, and I love to take care of them now. My garden occupies most of my days now, and I welcome that with open arms. The plants give me a good distraction from everything else.  
I've been asked multiple times if I'll ever sell the plants, my flowers in particular. But the answer is always no, I'd never be able to part with any of them. They each hold a special meaning to me, and just gazing at certain ones help me to relive memories I've made over the years, as well as clear my mind of stress. It's become a habit of mine to just wander absentmindedly until a certain flower catches my eye, igniting memories and past experiences.  
Except, not all of those memories are ones I want to relive.

When I was a kid, my favorite flower was always the chrysanthemum. It's almost like a ball of petals, with shorter ones close to the middle and longer ones on the edges. My mom had a whole section of her garden devoted to them, with yellow ones, purple ones, pink ones, and even some blue ones. My mom told me that the flowers represented loyalty, joy, and longevity. I never really believed her.  
I have a new favorite flower now, one that most people don't know of. It's called a sedum, and features hundreds of tiny flowers bunched on top of its stems, and grows in a bush-like formation. They're very pretty, but I like them more for the meaning.

Anyways, I'm currently walking along my garden, gazing at each plant without really seeing it. My mind is elsewhere. The sun shines through the thick canopy of trees that surround me, some bearing fruit, others shedding leaves. The floor beneath my feet is littered with small twigs and colorful leaves that crunch as I step on them. The air is cold and crisp, passing through the trees and ruffling their branches in small patches of wind. The wind is good, it helps to spread seeds, and stirs up the different scents my garden gives off. Mixed together, they delight the nose with their unique smell. As I walk along the aisles, my mind wanders as my eyes rest on a couple plants in particular. The first of those plants is a set of alstroemerias; a pink flower with striped petals surrounded by ones that resemble that of a lily. The second I see it, my mind jumps back, forcing me to a couple of months ago..

"What's that?" A man's voice rings in my ears. I look over at him and take in his spiky blonde hair and blue eyes. He's wearing a pair of black skinny jeans with a red t-shirt, and offers me a soft smile as I look at him. I don't normally smile often, but it's hard to hold back my joy when I see him, so I smile back a bit. His name is Mathias Køhler, and he's my best friend. "It's called an alstroemeria." I tell him calmly, taking a glance at the flower. "Just like a rose symbolizes love, it symbolizes friendship."

The scene fades as I look away from the flowers, but his smile is burned into my mind. It's not something I'll soon forget; it's one of those smiles that have a way of digging themselves into your mind permanently, one that lights up a room all on it's own. It's a smile that's pure, one that warms the world and turns heads as it's shown. It certainly turned mine.  
I go back to slowly wandering the aisles of my garden, and the next flower of significance that I come across is the white rose. I've never been really fond of roses, but white ones are much better than the traditional red. White isn't so mainstream. But as I look at the roses, all I can see is red.. The color covers the white on the flowers, ruining them. In the background I hear a loud cough, and I immediately turn to face it, my eyes wide. Mathias stands behind me.

"I'm alright.." He says softly, covering his mouth with his hand. As he removes it, I catch sight of spots of blood speckling his hand, and it's the same blood that got on my roses. "I'm sorry, Lukas, I'll wash them off for you." He tells me calmly, glancing at the speckled flowers with worried eyes. I shake my head, explaining that the rain will work just fine to wash them, but I'm worried about Mathias. I dont tell him just how deep my worries go, though, I don't want to concern him even more than he already is.

I move on from the white roses and my eyes catch sight of a couple of anemones. They're a pretty indigo color, with petals in sets of 4 surrounding its middle. I've come close to getting rid of them; their meaning isn't a great one. But every time I set out to sell them, I never go through with it.

Mathias stands beside me, holding a hand over his mouth with a frown. I stand next to him, frowning as well. He's just coughed, and although he hasn't gotten more blood on my flowers, he got the substance all over the garden floor. He had started to apologize profusely, but I dismiss his attempts with a wave. "I care more about you then a little bit of blood on the floor." I tell him, and his expression softens. "I care about you too, Lukas." He tells me, a smile tugging at the edges of his lips. "Do you think about the future often?" He asks suddenly, abruptly changing the subject from his coughing. The question catches me off guard, and I narrow my eyes a bit in thought. "Sometimes, why?" I respond slowly, watching his face closely. He looks out to the flowers, staring at them intently. "What do you see in your future?" He ignores my question, returning me with a different one. Once again, it comes unexpectedly. I take a moment to answer, thinking it over. "I don't really know.." I say, because I can't think of any significant consistencies in my plans for the future. "What do you see?" I ask, and he shrugs. "I don't know either." He says vaguely, though he looks as if he does know. I don't press him though, I see no need to. He's been staring at the anemones throughout the whole conversation, so I look at them with him. "Do you like them?" I ask, gesturing to the flowers. He nods. "Every flower has a meaning, right? What's theirs?" I smirk lightly, shaking my head. "It's ironic." I say first, folding my arms. "They're called anemones, and they represent sickness."

The scene fades as I take a deep breath, willing myself not to keep thinking about it. But contrary to my wishes, my mind keeps thinking. It's on overdrive, forcing me back to a couple of days after the last flashback.

"I have something to tell you." Mathias says solemnly. His voice is normally cheerful and full of life, but that joy is nowhere to be found now. He has a doctor's mask covering his nose and mouth, but I can see specks of red leaking out from the inside of it. I know he's sick, and I know it's serious. The mask tells me as much. I wait patiently for him to continue, staring at him with a straight face. "I'm sick." He continues, and I nod. "I know." "No, you don't know." He persists, looking down. "I have stage 4 lung cancer." He says quietly, and my breath immediately catches in my throat. I can't speak, I can't think, I can't even move. His words strike me like a tsunami, pummeling me over with their severity. "...Cancer..?" My voice comes out shaking, and without warning, my knees collapse, landing me on the floor.

Looking around me, I realize that I've fallen on my knees just thinking about his confession. I look up to the sky, trying to hold back my tears. I can normally hide my emotions very well, it's easy for me to keep a tough exterior. Most of the time.

"Isn't that fatal..?" I ask Mathias from my place on the floor, to which he nods. "How long have you known?" My voice hardens a bit as I chew on the inside of my cheek, begging myself to keep from crying. 'I still have time with him..' I think to myself, promising myself that I'll make the most of whatever time I have left. "I've known for 2 months." He says calmly, but I can tell that he's on the verge of crying, just like I am. "The doctor told me that I had 6 months left to live." He adds. "That means you have 4 months now." I conclude, my chest tightening as a lump grows in my throat. He nods. "They say that I don't have a chance at living any longer, we didn't catch it in time." He kneels down next to me, his face twisted in a mixture of rage and pain. "They said I've had it for years! How could I have not known?" At this, he holds a hand to his face, resting it over his eyes. Tears spill over their rims, streaming down his cheeks and behind the mask he wears. "It's not fair! I've never smoked in my life, and I'm only 22 years old! Why me, of all people?" He wails, and it's hard to keep myself composed. He's right, the situation was so far from fair.. I gently place a hand on his back, resting my forehead against his shoulder. "If I had just noticed the signs earlier.. I could have lived.." Suddenly, something he had said earlier comes back to me with a jolt. "That's why you asked about my future. You knew you weren't going to have much of one.." I say with an air of realization, a hand clawing at my chest. My lungs scream for air, but I feel as if I can't breath. Not when I know that my best friend, the person who means the most to me, is dying. He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't need to. We spend the rest of the day together, just talking and walking. Being in his presence is enough for me, and I never want the day to end. But everything comes to an end, eventually.

Slowly, I stand up from the floor, resting my back against a nearby tree. But as my eyes sweep the area in front of me, I realize that I've made a mistake. The flower that surrounds the tree is none other than the marguerite daisy, a flower that's caused me nothing but pain.

In my next flashback, I'm standing outside in the rain, almost 4 months after the last flashback. I'm wearing a pristine black suit, complete with a black tie and an expression of stone. My eyes stare vacantly at the floor, but I'm not upset. I'm not mad, certainly not happy.. I feel nothing. I won't allow myself to feel anything.  
Strangers surround me, walking beside me while they glance at me sideways, giving me looks of varying degrees of sympathy. Some don't look at me at all, but I don't really care. They don't need to spare me their pity. A bouquet of marguerite daisies is clasped tightly in my hands, my knuckles turning white due to the grip I have on them. I carefully make my way to the black box that rests towards the front of the area I'm in, setting the flowers on top of it. I'm still looking at the floor, but I stand in front of the box for a long while. I can't bring myself to walk away from it, but I also can't make myself look inside of it. So I just stand there, probably looking like a fool. But I don't care if people stare, and I can easily ignore the whispering behind my back. I let others say what they want. It's not like I'll have to face them later anyways, the only reason I'm seeing them now is because we're all in support of Mathias.  
Mathias...

I miss him.

The scene fades as tears begin to well up in my eyes, and I desperately will them to go away, leaning away from the tree to walk somewhere else. Somewhere that the memories won't follow me.  
Except I know that there isn't anything I can do to escape them, and my feet lead me to what used to be my favorite part of the garden. The area I keep my chrysanthemums in. Mathias had told me earlier that the flower was his favorite. At the time, I agreed with him.  
My eyes rest on one that's a beautiful shade of red, and soon enough, a new scene developes.

I'm facing Mathias, but he no longer has a doctor's mask on. "I'm going to die anyway.." He tells me when I ask why he got rid of it. "It was there to protect my immune system against other diseases, but there's no use in protecting against them now." His voice sounds dejected, like he's given up.  
I promised myself that I wouldn't let him give up.  
"No!" I yell, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. "You could live longer than the doctors thought, they're wrong all the time anyways! Make the most of what you have left, don't just throw your life away!" I beg, my throat closing. He only smiles back at me, a smile that's filled with nothing but pain and sorrow. It's not the smile he used to have. "I don't have much time left.." He whispers, glancing at the oxygen tank by his side. A long, plastic tube connected to the tank trails up Mathias's side and disappears in his nose, aiding his failing lungs. "I can feel it. Every day I'm in constant pain, and no matter what I do, that pain never ends. There have been days that I've woken up unable to breath. It's suffocating, and I feel like I'm going to die in those moments. I feel like I could die any second of any day. I don't want to live like that.." He tells me, his voice fluctuating in volume. It's unsteady, betraying his pain. His pain and fear. If I open my mouth I know I'll start crying, so I don't. I tell myself that I need to be strong for him, so I look down, biting my lip. We stay in silence like that for a while, until Mathias suddenly takes in a sharp gasp of air, bending over his knees. I look at him with concern, suggesting that he needs to sit down. He nods, gesturing to his throat as if to indicate that he can't breathe. Multiple benches line the edge of my garden, so I grab his arm, hurriedly leading him to the nearest one. He breathlessly tells me that he doesn't need my help to walk, but I don't let go. I never let go.  
Along the way to the bench, Mathias collapses without warning, going limp and falling in a heap on the ground. My voice rings out through the garden, shouting his name as I crouch beside him, still gripping onto his arm. His eyes are open towards the sky, but they stare through a layer of film, blind to the world around them.

I tear the flower from the bush, throwing it as far as I can from the plant. Once I do, I'm back on my knees, a river of tears pouring from my eyes. I wail loudly, leaning back and looking up towards the bright sky. I scream until my lungs burn, heavy sobs wracking my body. I call his name again, shouting it to the sky just as I had done that day. In a fit of anger, my fists pound the floor, grabbing fistfuls of leaves and thrusting them forcefully into the air. My grief consumes me, suffocating me until I can hardly breathe. In the moment, I'm jealous of Mathias.  
Dying seems easier than the pain I'm in.

After I cry over Mathias's body for what feels like hours, I slowly sit up from my hunched position over it, running to the garden and snagging a bright red chrysanthemum from its bush. I make my way back to his body, laying the flower over his chest.  
Suddenly, the flowers meaning becomes real for me.  
Longevity.  
Such a simple word made bittersweet. Mathias never got to know what it means.  
But not only does the flower represent longevity and loyalty, but it's also the flower that represents death.  
How ironic..  
After laying the flower over Mathias's chest, I kneel next to him, wiping the tears from my cheeks. And although I know that he can't hear me, I begin to talk.  
"Mathias.." I begin slowly, my voice barely above a whisper. "I already miss you. And I will miss you every day of my life. I want you back.." I pause, looking at the floor for a moment before I look back to his lifeless face. "You asked me what I see in my future. The truth is.. I saw you, Mathias."

I don't move until an hour later, and when I do, I make my way to the sedum bush that lays in the corner of my garden. I take a deep breath, my body shaking and my eyes dry. There aren't any tears left to cry. I carefully hold a stem filled with sedums close to me, clutching it into my chest as I close my eyes. Reliving my life with Mathias is painful, but it's worth it. I promised him that I would think of him every day, and now, exactly one year later, I've kept my promise. I miss him every day.  
He's the reason my new favorite flower is the sedum.

It's said that the sedum is a cure for a broken heart.


End file.
